analysis update

Dear bloggie,

Currently 6:11pm 

should perform my asar prayers

then i don't know why I'm typing here

Tomorrow update progress on analysis

me is worried, anxious, afraid to be wrong also, afraid to be scold

eh macam-macam la

I'm not so clever, but I'm trying..

the simple things i had...

lately i have  been thinking a lot

suicide thinking never leave me alone

everyday, when i woke up

when I'm sleeping

i guess i had many sins 

that's why I'm not having calm and peace in my mind

just so you know, I'm trying my best not feeling sad or thinking that i should die

i don't even know where or what's wrong about me

PTSD? depress? childhood trauma?

i cant think any of that

and apparently even my soul need someone to cheer me up or to said that I'm doing well, I'm in right track, I'm not late, its ok to stay in this phase or its ok to get older, its ok even you have no job and still studying

i wish i met someone that can tell me like that

i was thinking will i ever met my soulmate partner?

will i? in this age? in this state?

sometime i feel i want someone which i can call husband

but at the same time, i know, I'm not in proper state to get involved with that kind of relationship

the responsibility that i had now already make my body and mind exhausted. even my soul become numb suddenly 

and why i should add another problem right?

i cant even handle the small responsibility, why i need to find another big responsibility right?

so apparently i hope i can kill this feeling and focus what should i do, and to end this journey soon.

lately even crying doesn't seem can relieve the pain inside's, at the end of the day, i just bring along the sadness and pain inside me.