me VS negative thinking

it hits me up recently..

when i woke up, even when sometime i pray, i keep thinking "i wanna die badly" tired to face same people is me. but recently the most exhausted one is keep reminding myself the reason i should live. everything is ok, but me..why? my mind keep thinking to end myself. i hate it. but i cant stop thinking.  i wish my positive vibes is there. and the latest one i watch kdramas regarding suicide. why people wanna to end her/him life, and why they should not do that. it encourage me to live, but then, i keep asking, so if we live, we can change our life. THEN? SO?  TBC-